Tuesday, April 6, 2010

New look at life

When my maternity leave ended and I had to go back to work, I was devastated and challenged at the same time.  I had accepted a new position as a department manager at the insurace company I work for.  I've never been in a management position, and although I was excited about the challenge, I was so heartbroken to be leaving my son.

Thus entered stress into my life.

I've been very blessed to have very little stress in my life up to this point.  I've had a few stressful situations, but they've passed and I've survived.  But this time it was different.  As manager, I now had to deal with a person who disliked me, disliked upper management's decision to promote me, and made some days seem like they'd never end.  It's really a long story... and of course, due to privacy laws, I can't share details.

Looking back I realize how much this stress had affected my life.  I became a person I really didn't know.  My confidence in myself was nearly gone.  I'd lost a lot of my joy.  I became very moody, a stress eater, and only wanted to come home each day and "veg out".  I had very little strength or motivation for evenings; most days I didn't care what my house looked like.  I realize now how much this situation consumed me.  I know we're taught that we're not dealing with the person, but rather the spirit inside that person.  I feel like I failed in so many ways. In some ways, I want to go back and have another chance.  At the same time, I'm so relieved to be moving past this situation that I don't care to have another chance.    I regret that I've missed many of my baby's moments - either at work or after work due to this stress.  To be honest, I've never really allowed myself to admit all this until now.  Not even to myself.

What I really want is the chance for a new look at life.  I want a new beginning.  I know I'll never get those moments back, but I want to move forward with a new perspective, a new appreciation, and a new faith.  I have an amazing husband and an adorable little boy that needs me.  I have a beautiful house that needs some TLC.  I want to be a godly P31 woman. 

I'm not real sure how to go about accomplishing all this.  I already feel better - work is now going much better and that's helped so much.  Chris says he can see a difference in me - so I'm encouraged by that.  It's a good beginning.

I also know I need to spend some time with my Savior.  He's been there all the time, even when I couldn't feel His presence.  I know I'll need His grace many times every day.
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